Sundays training was an interesting one. I had my first exam of my final year yesterday, and it was the one I was most worried about. Partly because it was on Maoist China, and I’m of the firm belief that no one really understands what happened – most of the official records are heavily locked down still, and even then, a lot of them are falsified or just simply not the full story, the people who lived through it barely seem to understand what went down and why, and a lot of the explanations for why things happened comes back to “because Mao wanted it”. And partly because it was our “special subject”; in my university, third year history students have to pick one module that goes super in depth into one topic, looking at primary sources and so on, so I had no idea what would be on it, or if I’d read enough to be able to answer any of the questions. I spent last week revising everything I could, but by Friday my brain was mush and I physically couldn’t read any more (no, really, I couldn’t read words), so I took the weekend off. Saturday, I hopped in a car with a few of my fellow skaters and went to High Wycombe for Big Bucks High Rollers’ B Team tournament ‘Diamonds are Forever’. That was super fun, and so interesting to watch! And Sunday, I went off to training.
My mind definitely wasn’t in it. There was a lot of focus on working on personal skills, rather than in partners or packs, and I think that allowed me to get too far into my own head. I started strong, but as the session went on I felt increasingly worse, and ended up having to take myself out to have a little sob in a corner. Luckily, I have wonderful team mates, who were full of hugs and encouraging words and were generally really comforting. Turns out they were right, I didn’t really have much to worry about and the exam went fine, but I couldn’t get out of my own head at that point in time, and everything I did was just reassuring me that I sucked at everything.
It’s funny what effect your brain can have on your physical performance – the more negative I felt about myself and the upcoming week, the more things went wrong for me. I couldn’t do an underpush (something I’ve always struggled with) and then my crossovers wouldn’t work at all, I couldn’t feel either push. My laterals were getting better, and then all of a sudden I could barely turn. Transitions got slower on my good side, and didn’t even exist on my bad one. That was around the time I burst into tears. It’s odd how, when you feel bad about yourself, your brain finds things to confirm that yep, you definitely suck.
However, now the stress cloud has cleared, I can see the positives. Something clicked Sunday that made my laterals so much better than they had been (I think that something is called weight distribution) and I ticked off positional blocking from my minimums. Which means all I need to get scrimmaging is my 25 laps. 3.25 to go!
I’ve been through a tough time since new year as the stress of my last year of university finally caught up with me. My dissertation was due in February and I was massively behind, and that, combined with trying to keep up with my seminars, coursework and the internship I’d applied for back in winter when things weren’t so hectic, left me in a less-than-stable frame of mind. Anxiety is one hell of a bitch. I haven’t stopped skating, and it was, to be honest, the one thing that helped me release (or, at least, ignore for a day) all the concerns I had. I’m coming out the other side of it now (though, with my exams approaching, I’m finding my motivation lacking and my emotions becoming more erratic once again) but I’ve been feeling like I’ve slipped in a lot of areas of life. It’s times like this I’m especially glad to have an amazing supportive boyfriend, who has been the one definite constant in my life for more than six years now, but in all other areas, like academically and in fitness, I feel like I’ve taken a few steps back, and any attempt to move forward again is an uphill battle.
To some extent, it feels like a battle I’m winning, and I’m feeling kind of back on track. It’s hard, my body is constantly exhausted and I have to try and push through that to get anything done, but I feel like I’m doing it, just slowly. Even in derby I felt like I’d almost hit a wall, perhaps because we’ve focused on minimum skills for quite a while, but last week I felt like I was pushing myself and getting something out of it. I’m hoping this is a turn to better times.
So I’m hoping to pick up where I left off from here on. Where did we leave off? We were starting minimum skills testing, I think – I’ve past most of the pre 2013 minimums with the exception of my laps and positional blocking, and my rules test. I’m missing positional blocking because our coaches didn’t see me when they were ticking us off during the drill, and didn’t realise they’d missed me until we’d moved on. I got 41/50 on my rules test, and we need 43 at least. I was mostly tripped up by the wording more than not knowing the answer, and I think I’ll get that next time we try it. So that just leaves my laps. On my last attempt, I managed 21.75, which is a whole lap and a quarter faster than my previous (20.5) I’m getting there. I find my whole body starts to break down when I’m doing laps – my lungs stop working properly and from then out my limbs stop responding so much. I’ll get it. Hopefully soon. I want to get back to blocking and drills and hopefully actual proper scrimmages. That’s exciting!
I’ve also hurt my knee. Doctors tell me it’s a strain, but I’m not convinced in the slightest, and it’s bugging me because, as much as I try to ignore it, it is really holding me back.