The problem of motivation and positive self thought.

I’ve been involved in roller derby for four years now. I’m not mins passed. I’ve not played any games. I’ve had a handful of scrimmages.

I start to ask myself why do I bother? Perhaps this isn’t for me. If I haven’t managed it in four years that might be a sign that I’m never meant to make it. Why do I keep coming back to this thing every weekend for four years when I’m still not allowed to play the game I’ve been training that long to play?

Then I realise why the hell wouldn’t I?

I don’t know what I’d do without this thing. I love it. I look forward to it every week. I’m surrounded by awesome people because of it. Why wouldn’t I keep at it?

I’m not bad at derby. The only thing holding me back is laps. I hate laps with a passion. My friend says “it’s almost like a right of passage” but I feel like it’s a skill that’s not entirely relevant in the game as it is now. I can strategise, I can block, I can even jam. I can play four jams on. I can play every jam on. The only thing holding me back is, now, one single lap.

It doesn’t matter whether or not I think that’s rubbish, the important thing is that I love this sport and I am good at it. It’s just hard to remember that when you watch so many people pass through before you. 

Back on Track!

(No pun intended. Seriously!)

I’ve been through a tough time since new year as the stress of my last year of university finally caught up with me. My dissertation was due in February and I was massively behind, and that, combined with trying to keep up with my seminars, coursework and the internship I’d applied for back in winter when things weren’t so hectic, left me in a less-than-stable frame of mind. Anxiety is one hell of a bitch. I haven’t stopped skating, and it was, to be honest, the one thing that helped me release (or, at least, ignore for a day) all the concerns I had. I’m coming out the other side of it now (though, with my exams approaching, I’m finding my motivation lacking and my emotions becoming more erratic once again) but I’ve been feeling like I’ve slipped in a lot of areas of life. It’s times like this I’m especially glad to have an amazing supportive boyfriend, who has been the one definite constant in my life for more than six years now, but in all other areas, like academically and in fitness, I feel like I’ve taken a few steps back, and any attempt to move forward again is an uphill battle.

To some extent, it feels like a battle I’m winning, and I’m feeling kind of back on track. It’s hard, my body is constantly exhausted and I have to try and push through that to get anything done, but I feel like I’m doing it, just slowly. Even in derby I felt like I’d almost hit a wall, perhaps because we’ve focused on minimum skills for quite a while, but last week I felt like I was pushing myself and getting something out of it. I’m hoping this is a turn to better times.

So I’m hoping to pick up where I left off from here on. Where did we leave off? We were starting minimum skills testing, I think – I’ve past most of the pre 2013 minimums with the exception of my laps and positional blocking, and my rules test. I’m missing positional blocking because our coaches didn’t see me when they were ticking us off during the drill, and didn’t realise they’d missed me until we’d moved on. I got 41/50 on my rules test, and we need 43 at least. I was mostly tripped up by the wording more than not knowing the answer, and I think I’ll get that next time we try it. So that just leaves my laps. On my last attempt, I managed 21.75, which is a whole lap and a quarter faster than my previous (20.5) I’m getting there. I find my whole body starts to break down when I’m doing laps – my lungs stop working properly and from then out my limbs stop responding so much. I’ll get it. Hopefully soon. I want to get back to blocking and drills and hopefully actual proper scrimmages. That’s exciting!

I’ve also hurt my knee. Doctors tell me it’s a strain, but I’m not convinced in the slightest, and it’s bugging me because, as much as I try to ignore it, it is really holding me back.