For those of you who are not up to date with British news and politics, there’s been concern lately over the lack of girls and women interested in sport, and brainstorming over how that can be corrected. Inspired by one local MP’s suggestion that girls should be encouraged to try ‘feminine sports’, I thought I’d expand and elaborate on her points, and come up with some more advice on how to get girls interested in sport.
1) Try feminine activities
Helen Grant advises that girls try feminine sports like ballet, cheerleading and rollerskating so they can still look “radiant” whilst doing them (I know that, after two hours on skates, I’m still fresh as a daisy!) I would like to suggest some other feminine activities that girls should try, such as Pram/Trolley Races, Shopping Bag Relay and the Five Metre High Heel Sprint.
If you want to do an activity but aren’t sure whether or not it’s ‘feminine’ enough, keep in mind this simple rule: if you’ve read it in any Jane Austen novel, its acceptably feminine for you. Such activities include taking a turn around the parlour, a stroll in the garden, or a hike across the Cotswalds.
And finally, if you absolutely have to do any more “masculine” activities, you should only do so if you can do it side saddle. Take up side-saddle horse riding. Work out how to ride a bike side-saddle. It’s the perfect way to get fit and look graceful and feminine while doing it!
2)Avoid sweat at all costs
Of course, no one has ever broken a sweat while doing ballet or cheerleading. It’s not as if they are high energy, physically demanding activities. My second piece of advice is to absolutely avoid asking girls to do any activity that might possibly make them sweaty, because they will refuse to do it – as everyone knows, even a drop of sweat turns the prettiest girl into a drooling ogre. Perhaps schedule activities such as car or motorbike racing, as long as you’re not asking them to put on hot and heavy leathers or helmets that’ll mess up their hair. For a less intense experience, why not try wheelchair sports, but get men to push the girls around so they don’t have to move at all. Alternatively, make sure every activity takes place either in water or out in the rain. That way, absolutely no sweat will stay on their skin, and that’ll make all the girls happy.
3)Make all sports co-ed
This one will make you look good on all fronts. It’ll look like a completely modern, revolutionary idea, a true step towards equality – breaking down those gender barriers that have long declared that girls aren’t fit to play alongside the big boys and allowing, nay, demanding that society changes its colours and makes way for the rise of the female. Good job! You’re the saviour of womankind!
Of course, this is just a face. In reality, the idea behind this one is to play on what motivates girls. And why do women do anything? For the men, of course! Introduce co-ed sport and girls will get involved with every and all sports as a chance to meet and impress men. Its a simple solution, really.
Or you could go the other way and….
4)Separate men and women entirely
Girls are afraid of looking sweaty, and as we’ve just discussed, the only possible reason behind this is they’re afraid the males, aka. Potential mates, will be utterly repelled by the sight of them. So if you don’t want to limit your girls to “feminine” activities, the only option is to eliminate the male factor altogether. Of course, we couldn’t get rid of the men (how would we womenfolk cope without men to run the country?), so I propose splitting the UK into three sections, separated by big, berlin-style walls. The men will live in one section, the women in another, and the third section in between for designated Breeding Periods. This way, women can do whatever they want, including sport, without the fear of men being repulsed by their actions, and ensure that the men only see them at their very best.
5) Give up on sport altogether
Alright, so that solution makes no sense, and if we’re honest, none of this advice is practical at all. I suppose our only option is to give up on sport altogether. Not just the women, either. The entire planet. We’ve all seen Wall-e, and frankly, I don’t think life on that ship looked too bad. If we can’t get women to exercise in a feminine, non-sweaty way, we might as well resign ourselves to that lifestyle. I’m booking my moving chair now.